I sat there staring at the fear-inducing blue button (wondering to myself w-h-y-y-y I signed up for this Facebook live stream challenge).
There was a fight going on between two forces.
Force one threatened to take. me. out.
My heart was pounding. I was dizzy, on the verge of tears, freaked out, and viewing a replay in my mind of all the humiliating moments from my past when I spoke and messed up.
Those moments screamed loudly and pulsated in sync with my pounding heart.
Force two kept telling me that I need to do this.
I need to step out and speak (I’ve known this for a long time now). And I need to take this step through fear or I’d remain in the same invisible place I’d been for years.
It was a do or die moment.
But the future terrified me as much as my past reminded me of my mess-ups.
My heart pounded.
My hands shook.
I kept trying to listen to force number two and reached for that stupid blue button with vibrating fingers . . . but the fear would take over with a rushy, overwhelming, pukey sense through my body.
And I stopped.
Over and over again.
For fifty minutes.
Yup. Five. Zero.
Thoughts raced in my brain. My eyes rolled. My gut wrenched. I paced. I went and cried fear-releasing cries to my partner.
And then it happened . . .
I pushed the button.
Sort of by accident because my shaking finger shook and pushed it during one of my attempts.
But I still pushed it. And I did the Facebook live stream.
Force number two won out. Because I let it have a t-i-i-i-n-y bit more pull than force number one. For me, it was my heart winning out over my head in that moment.
It ended up being a breakthrough moment for me that was followed by a series of lessons on fear.